Today was a truly horrible day. Last night and this morning I found myself feeling very small in a big world and far away from people who care about me. A losing combination of homesick, lonely, defeated and insecure. I tried to give myself peptalks all morning to try and get on top of things and swallow my emotions and I got a bit of a handle on it. But I think Christina could smell my insecurities and basically she tore me apart for 8 hours today. I know I deserved some of it. My heart wasn't in it. I let my emotions affect me too much and I wasn't dancing at 100%. But I don't really think I deserved all of it. And it was hard too, because she was yelling at me for (among other things) doubting myself, which is exactly how I'm feeling. I am doubting myself. I'm doubting wether or not I'm good enough to be here or strong enough to be away. She was really hard on me today and it took a lot of mind power to not break down.
This week (and this is no longer just about rehearsal today) I'm struggling with a number of things. I think I have some hard lessons to learn while I'm here in Austria. I'm struggling to not rely on other people for comfort, to find confidence on my own, to find the line between being meek and humble and being shattered and weak. to know when to address issues and when to swallow hurt feelings. to deal with issues but not dwell on them. to not let other people affect the way you think about yourself. to move on and do a job when you don't feel you have the strength. to navigate a big world on my own without the luxury of being able to run into someone's arms and have them make me feel better and help me fix my problems.
sigh...
19 more sleeps.
About Me
- tiffany
- this is a picture of me wearing size 21 nike air max shoes. my own runners are inside. i realize that the picture suggests that i am a rather sporty person... it looks rather basketbally. please note that i am not typically a 'baller' and this picture only reflects who i am because it makes me laugh. they're so big...
7 comments:
Oh, my poor little girl...I am at Tami's and just checked your blog. She immediately set me up to comment! But I'd rather email, I protested; everyone will be able to read it.
"just hug her now, and email later" said the wise older sister. Consider yourself hugged, by Momsie. Big Sister, a red headed vampire, a pig with a stinky snout, and a potato scrubbing toddler.
You are an amazing, beautiful, strong and gifted young woman, and we all miss you like crazy!
Lots of love, lots of prayers!
Hi Tiffany. I woke up this morning missing that you would not be fumbling squintilly into our room foraging for coffee and affection. Now I'm sorry to read that you are going through a difficult period, and I can't be there to comfort and console you
We know these testing times come to us with purpose, and that they really suck. We're all sending you our loving thoughts.
Hang in there, honey. You know who you really are. We'll all hug and laugh together soon.
Dad
Hey Tif, your sister(my wife) is telling me I need to leave a comment on your blog today. My first thoughts are "good for you". Not meaning to be mean, but I think there is merit to difficult times. One of my most difficult times in life, that caused the most growth, was when I was alone, away from family, dealing with probably my greatest fear- being alone. I was in that state long enough to become ok with that. I think it was God's way of making me get past my fear and somehow being ok with God being the One that I was alone with. Lots of doubts, tears, questions, fears- but I think I came away with strength. I think you're in a good space- good not necessarily easy. We're all for you, and praying for you, and know that you will succeed and will return more awesome than you already are. Love you lots-hang in there sis,
broinlawmike
I love you!
through my tears reading everyone elses comments, I just know you are in a good space. that this has been your only really truly alone experience and that it's probably exactly where you need to be. Know without doubt that we are all FOR you, and praying for you and wishing we could hold you and take away the sting of loneliness. You are loved and missed.
Tami
Tiffany, Thanks for sharing from your heart. When you shared what you are learning, I thought "WOW that is amazing". You are learning more in a few weeks than most of us learn in a lifetime. Life can be hard but it is how we respond to it that makes all the difference. You are chosing to respond by learning and growing. Way to go. Try not to believe the lies, you wouldn't be there if you weren't a talented, gifted dancer. You may have been having a bad day, but my guess is that your insturctor may have been having a bad day too!! Know that you are loved a lot and missed tons. You will be home soon. We love you, miss you and will continue to pray for you.
We love you too!
i am giving you a big hug too tiff! love you lot's! you can do this! xoxoxoxo
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