well. i seem to have survived my little episode yesterday. thank you all for your support. it meant a lot to me to have people's encouragement and love. last night after writing my post i went and had sourkraut and sausages with pam and bernd (the owner of the house we're staying at). he gave me wine to make everything better. and after dinner pam and i debriefed a bit about the day and i cried and expressed my frustrations and struggles and then i felt better. and then i went and had a shower and got ready for bed and watched ratatouille in bed on kyle's ipod. and i fell asleep rather peacefully.
today we had a bit of a later start so i was able to read some emails and prepare myself for the day and i made myself a promise that i was going to rise to the challenge and learn and take corrections but i wasn't going to allow myself to be injured by negative attitudes or mean people. i decided to make myself proud today instead of sad and self-pitying.
and it was a good day. i felt way more on top of things and i was able to dance much more freely without my own doubts in the way. plus i think christina knew that she went a little bit far yesterday. and i think she needs a day off... she's been working 7 days a week and so yesterday she was short tempered and today she was slow moving and less motivated (which was much easier to deal with...) i'm a little bit worried what's going to happen as her stress rises though. i think we're in for a stressful couple weeks. the show opens in just barely over 2 weeks and we have a lot of work to do...
so, i don't think i'm quite out of the woods yet but i am feeling better today and i feel confident that i can get through this and i will be so grateful for the lessons i'm learning while i'm here.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
today...
Today was a truly horrible day. Last night and this morning I found myself feeling very small in a big world and far away from people who care about me. A losing combination of homesick, lonely, defeated and insecure. I tried to give myself peptalks all morning to try and get on top of things and swallow my emotions and I got a bit of a handle on it. But I think Christina could smell my insecurities and basically she tore me apart for 8 hours today. I know I deserved some of it. My heart wasn't in it. I let my emotions affect me too much and I wasn't dancing at 100%. But I don't really think I deserved all of it. And it was hard too, because she was yelling at me for (among other things) doubting myself, which is exactly how I'm feeling. I am doubting myself. I'm doubting wether or not I'm good enough to be here or strong enough to be away. She was really hard on me today and it took a lot of mind power to not break down.
This week (and this is no longer just about rehearsal today) I'm struggling with a number of things. I think I have some hard lessons to learn while I'm here in Austria. I'm struggling to not rely on other people for comfort, to find confidence on my own, to find the line between being meek and humble and being shattered and weak. to know when to address issues and when to swallow hurt feelings. to deal with issues but not dwell on them. to not let other people affect the way you think about yourself. to move on and do a job when you don't feel you have the strength. to navigate a big world on my own without the luxury of being able to run into someone's arms and have them make me feel better and help me fix my problems.
sigh...
19 more sleeps.
This week (and this is no longer just about rehearsal today) I'm struggling with a number of things. I think I have some hard lessons to learn while I'm here in Austria. I'm struggling to not rely on other people for comfort, to find confidence on my own, to find the line between being meek and humble and being shattered and weak. to know when to address issues and when to swallow hurt feelings. to deal with issues but not dwell on them. to not let other people affect the way you think about yourself. to move on and do a job when you don't feel you have the strength. to navigate a big world on my own without the luxury of being able to run into someone's arms and have them make me feel better and help me fix my problems.
sigh...
19 more sleeps.
Monday, October 29, 2007
day off number two
today we saw the sun for the first time since we got here. it's amazing how much that can affect your mood. especially when you have the day off and are free to do as you please. we decided to split up and do our own things today and meet up for dinner later on so i slept in and read in bed for a while and then put on my new little sweater dress and went for a long walk around the neighborhood (it was long half because i was enjoying it and half because i got lost and had to backtrack all the way back so i knew where i was...)
After my long walk i took the tram downtown and went to the dom im berg which is the theatre we'll be performing in. I didn't go into the theatre because they dont let you just walk in there but it's really neat because it's inside a cave in the side of a big hill and then there's paths and stairs all the way to the top of the hill where you can see the whole city and there's an old clock tower and bells and a fortress from world war I. It was really beautiful (although there were lots of couples making out... one looked like they were both about 14, laying in the grass in front of everyone...) and I had a great time wandering about and taking pictures (i didn't take any of people making out). It was nice to just relax in the sun and not have a schedule or anything and feel like I was actually experiencing something about the country I find myself in. So that was nice.
And then I wandered off to the call centre and had a nice little chat with kyle before meeting up with the others for dinner. We went to a little place called Kuba (or Cuba) which had pictures of fidel castro and che guevera up but it sold mostly hamburgers so, who knows... but the hamburger was good and it was nice to have some familiar food to eat.
I took lots of pictures today so once I figure out how to upload them onto this German speaking computer, or find an english speaking one, I will post some to show you all.
After my long walk i took the tram downtown and went to the dom im berg which is the theatre we'll be performing in. I didn't go into the theatre because they dont let you just walk in there but it's really neat because it's inside a cave in the side of a big hill and then there's paths and stairs all the way to the top of the hill where you can see the whole city and there's an old clock tower and bells and a fortress from world war I. It was really beautiful (although there were lots of couples making out... one looked like they were both about 14, laying in the grass in front of everyone...) and I had a great time wandering about and taking pictures (i didn't take any of people making out). It was nice to just relax in the sun and not have a schedule or anything and feel like I was actually experiencing something about the country I find myself in. So that was nice.
And then I wandered off to the call centre and had a nice little chat with kyle before meeting up with the others for dinner. We went to a little place called Kuba (or Cuba) which had pictures of fidel castro and che guevera up but it sold mostly hamburgers so, who knows... but the hamburger was good and it was nice to have some familiar food to eat.
I took lots of pictures today so once I figure out how to upload them onto this German speaking computer, or find an english speaking one, I will post some to show you all.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
a not so lazy but still uninteresting sunday
nothing much to report today. i had a long rehearsal and that's about it. it's true that nothing is open on sundays here, except for one little japanese restaurant we found close to the studio. so fortunately we had lunch. the only other place we found was a little tiny fruit stand where i bought some little red things that turned out to be dried marashino cherries. pretty gross, actually...
we had our first rehearsal with (almost) the whole cast there today. usually when we rehearse it's only the 4 of us 'canuks' (as they call us) so it was kind of nice to meet and work with all of the austrian girls too, although it was a much slower process and it therefore felt like a very long day.
tomorrow is another day off, which is exciting... i'll keep you posted on the adventures that are bound to occur...
oh, and add one more thing to the list of things i miss about home (actually 2 more things):
dryers and fabric softener (towels get scratchy)
oh. and also, soft toilet paper
to leave this post on a positive note, here are some things i greatly appreciate about austria:
1. chocolate
2. specialty coffees
3. yogurt
4. cheap cheese
5. i had a good sandwich today that i bought at the shell station (it was open too)
6. pretty architecture
7. cute boutiques
8. i love that all of the doors and cupboards have little keys sitting in the holes all the time to lock them
9. a lot of the rehearsals are actually pretty fun
10. i have a cozy little bed
11. i love my luggage that my parents bought me for my birthday
12. i'm very thankful to have internet access at the house i'm currently staying (although the computer is quite slow)
13. i like that most of the trees here still have their leaves (even though it is quite cold)
14. i like that the trams are on time and they have little signs at each stop that tells you how many more minutes until another one comes
15. i like that when i travel i realize how much i love my life at home and how much i love the people that i share it with. i hate being away from my family, friends and fiancé but it makes me so excited to see them again.
list to be continued...
we had our first rehearsal with (almost) the whole cast there today. usually when we rehearse it's only the 4 of us 'canuks' (as they call us) so it was kind of nice to meet and work with all of the austrian girls too, although it was a much slower process and it therefore felt like a very long day.
tomorrow is another day off, which is exciting... i'll keep you posted on the adventures that are bound to occur...
oh, and add one more thing to the list of things i miss about home (actually 2 more things):
dryers and fabric softener (towels get scratchy)
oh. and also, soft toilet paper
to leave this post on a positive note, here are some things i greatly appreciate about austria:
1. chocolate
2. specialty coffees
3. yogurt
4. cheap cheese
5. i had a good sandwich today that i bought at the shell station (it was open too)
6. pretty architecture
7. cute boutiques
8. i love that all of the doors and cupboards have little keys sitting in the holes all the time to lock them
9. a lot of the rehearsals are actually pretty fun
10. i have a cozy little bed
11. i love my luggage that my parents bought me for my birthday
12. i'm very thankful to have internet access at the house i'm currently staying (although the computer is quite slow)
13. i like that most of the trees here still have their leaves (even though it is quite cold)
14. i like that the trams are on time and they have little signs at each stop that tells you how many more minutes until another one comes
15. i like that when i travel i realize how much i love my life at home and how much i love the people that i share it with. i hate being away from my family, friends and fiancé but it makes me so excited to see them again.
list to be continued...
Saturday, October 27, 2007
first day off
Today was our first day off here in Austria. I slept in which was quite nice and then we got ready and headed off to meet lise in Hauptplatz, one of the downtown squares. We got cappuccinos and nutella crepes and started walking around to various stores we'd had our eyes on. We ended up only having time to get the big stores out of the way and we'll definately return to check out the smaller boutiques. It was fun to browse around although always a little funny to shop with people who have different style than you. They tell you to buy the things you don't really like and say they suit you and then say the things you do like are unflattering... makes the decision making process a little more challenging - and we all know how good i am at making decisions to begin with...
After some shopping (which was a little exhausting - the stores were packed, I guess because nothing's open on Sunday and stores are only open until 5 so Saturday is people's only chance to shop) we went home and had dinner with Annette, the lady of the house we're staying in. She's a really nice lady and keeps trying to teach us german even though deep down she knows we're hopeless... She made us wienerschnitzel. It was pretty good, actually.
And then we all went to see the Graz ballet's show. It was a 'modern ballet' and it was the most bizarre piece of work I have ever seen. It was called bad animals and the choreography was, well... convaluded maybe... it included a lot of good old modern dance clichés like the dancer in the fabric tube, text for no good reason, video projection for no reason, a watery and impossible to follow story line, smooching for no good reason, obnoxious and incredibly loud music, lots of undulating bodies and zebra striped pants... it was super weird. But I must say, the dancers were great. They were all ballet dancers so they weren't entirely in tune with the ways of the modern but they were still quite impressive (although some of them were horrible actors).
After the show we went out for drinks and when we arrived at the restaurant our table wasn't quite ready yet so they asked us to wait in the cellar. It was a big stone wine cellar and we ended up hanging out there all night. We sat on wine crates and ate oysters. It was pretty fun. The cellar was a little cold but I was okay with it because no one was allowed to smoke down there and we were with a couple of chain smokers and I've already been nearly suffocated a couple of times this week.
And now I'm home and ready for bed. Rehearsal again tomorrow and then another day off.
one other thing I've learned in Graz:
it's very difficult to call or take a taxi when your address is zveinundviersig peterstalstraße.
After some shopping (which was a little exhausting - the stores were packed, I guess because nothing's open on Sunday and stores are only open until 5 so Saturday is people's only chance to shop) we went home and had dinner with Annette, the lady of the house we're staying in. She's a really nice lady and keeps trying to teach us german even though deep down she knows we're hopeless... She made us wienerschnitzel. It was pretty good, actually.
And then we all went to see the Graz ballet's show. It was a 'modern ballet' and it was the most bizarre piece of work I have ever seen. It was called bad animals and the choreography was, well... convaluded maybe... it included a lot of good old modern dance clichés like the dancer in the fabric tube, text for no good reason, video projection for no reason, a watery and impossible to follow story line, smooching for no good reason, obnoxious and incredibly loud music, lots of undulating bodies and zebra striped pants... it was super weird. But I must say, the dancers were great. They were all ballet dancers so they weren't entirely in tune with the ways of the modern but they were still quite impressive (although some of them were horrible actors).
After the show we went out for drinks and when we arrived at the restaurant our table wasn't quite ready yet so they asked us to wait in the cellar. It was a big stone wine cellar and we ended up hanging out there all night. We sat on wine crates and ate oysters. It was pretty fun. The cellar was a little cold but I was okay with it because no one was allowed to smoke down there and we were with a couple of chain smokers and I've already been nearly suffocated a couple of times this week.
And now I'm home and ready for bed. Rehearsal again tomorrow and then another day off.
one other thing I've learned in Graz:
it's very difficult to call or take a taxi when your address is zveinundviersig peterstalstraße.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
adventures in a foreign land
know what's weird about being here? I'm halfway accross the world and my life is more or less exactly the same. I wake up. I go to rehearsal. I go home. That's pretty much it. You'd think I'd be seeing the sights and shopping and doing all kinds of fun things, but the reality of it is that everything here closes by 6:00 and we usually rehearse until 6. We buy groceries on our lunch break. Not a lot seems to happen here after 6, which is funny cuz i read on the internet that graz is supposed to have great night life. although it also said october was one of the best times to travel because it would be pleasantly warm (it's not).
Last night, Pam, Lise and I did take a gamble and went out for dinner. It is rather difficult to find a restaurant and order successfully in a foreign land. and my german-english dictionery doesn't seem to keep up very well. We ended up in a little underground restaurant for which we were underdressed and couldn't understand the menu very well. They did happen to have one that had some english on it (but only one so we all sat on one side of the table to read over eachother's shoulders). I ended up having some weird potatoey dumplings and a mound of saurkraut.
After dinner we went back to the tram station only to find out that our tram stops running sometime before 8:00. So we decided to get dessert. We wandered more or less aimelessly through the rain, one of my companions with a sad and hilariously broken umbrella and the other walking with the type gait only found in a person who has severely sore legs and is still somewhat constipated...
We ended up in the diveyest, smokiest little restaurant - full of fake palm trees and paintings of fish. And our dessert ended up being really quite terrible. But we laughed a lot (partially because they give you a shot of schnapps after every meal to aid in digestion) so I guess it was all worth it in the end.
Last night, Pam, Lise and I did take a gamble and went out for dinner. It is rather difficult to find a restaurant and order successfully in a foreign land. and my german-english dictionery doesn't seem to keep up very well. We ended up in a little underground restaurant for which we were underdressed and couldn't understand the menu very well. They did happen to have one that had some english on it (but only one so we all sat on one side of the table to read over eachother's shoulders). I ended up having some weird potatoey dumplings and a mound of saurkraut.
After dinner we went back to the tram station only to find out that our tram stops running sometime before 8:00. So we decided to get dessert. We wandered more or less aimelessly through the rain, one of my companions with a sad and hilariously broken umbrella and the other walking with the type gait only found in a person who has severely sore legs and is still somewhat constipated...
We ended up in the diveyest, smokiest little restaurant - full of fake palm trees and paintings of fish. And our dessert ended up being really quite terrible. But we laughed a lot (partially because they give you a shot of schnapps after every meal to aid in digestion) so I guess it was all worth it in the end.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
things i miss about home
1. the obvious: kyle, friends, family
2. sunshine
3. warmth
4. heating you're allowed to leave on all day (the dance studio was freeeezing today. it was a like a horrible horrible dream)
5. showers you're allowed to leave on even when you don't technically need the water... like when lathering.
6. heated bathrooms (especially bad when standing wet and naked when lathering)
7. heated computer rooms
8. water pressure
9. english menus at restaurants
10. english altogether
11. no smoking zones (i have a stuffed up nose from smoke inhalation and my scarf stinks)
12. english kezboards
do you like how almost all of the things i miss are wasteful things we do that are causing our world to destruct? pathetic, isn't it. saving the earth looks good on paper but i haven't quite gotten used to the practicality of it all... sigh. it's rather bothersome that we can't save the world and stay warm at the same time.
but i am having fun. just felt like making a list... there might be things added as time progresses. but in the meantime, i'm off to my drizzley cold shower.
2. sunshine
3. warmth
4. heating you're allowed to leave on all day (the dance studio was freeeezing today. it was a like a horrible horrible dream)
5. showers you're allowed to leave on even when you don't technically need the water... like when lathering.
6. heated bathrooms (especially bad when standing wet and naked when lathering)
7. heated computer rooms
8. water pressure
9. english menus at restaurants
10. english altogether
11. no smoking zones (i have a stuffed up nose from smoke inhalation and my scarf stinks)
12. english kezboards
do you like how almost all of the things i miss are wasteful things we do that are causing our world to destruct? pathetic, isn't it. saving the earth looks good on paper but i haven't quite gotten used to the practicality of it all... sigh. it's rather bothersome that we can't save the world and stay warm at the same time.
but i am having fun. just felt like making a list... there might be things added as time progresses. but in the meantime, i'm off to my drizzley cold shower.
Monday, October 22, 2007
day one
today was our first day of rehearsals. and we had a great time, actually. the studio that we were working in today is really beautiful, big windows, hardwood floors... it was a long day and we worked hard but i think we were all feeling excited and motivated and we had fun and got a lot accomplished so that was good. will most likely have bruises and sore muscles tomorrow but that's just the life of a dancer, really.
Other than that my day wasn't terribly eventful other than a funny and perhaps inappropriate event involving an anonymous canadian companion of mine finding herself constapated after traveling and another of my companions giving her a pill to help take care of it only to realize that the pill was actually to cure traveller's diarrhea. oops. so then we had to go to the apotheque (drugstore) and to spare the ailing one further embarassment she stayed outside while the other one and i tried to explain our predicament by miming and stumbling through the german-english dictionery. so today's german word of the day is verstopfung - constapation. i feel i am allowed to tell this story because they don't know about my blog, so they won't know... i'm a bad friend...
we also went grocery shopping. brie cheese is way cheaper here than at home.
learning how to count in german. i've got up to 9 pretty good but 10 is hard to pronounce.
I'm worried that the dog here is going to die any second.
apparently austrian guys make horrible screeching rooster noises at girls when they drive past sometimes. this has only happened once so far but it was startling and therefore memorable.
long day tomorrow. time for bed.
Other than that my day wasn't terribly eventful other than a funny and perhaps inappropriate event involving an anonymous canadian companion of mine finding herself constapated after traveling and another of my companions giving her a pill to help take care of it only to realize that the pill was actually to cure traveller's diarrhea. oops. so then we had to go to the apotheque (drugstore) and to spare the ailing one further embarassment she stayed outside while the other one and i tried to explain our predicament by miming and stumbling through the german-english dictionery. so today's german word of the day is verstopfung - constapation. i feel i am allowed to tell this story because they don't know about my blog, so they won't know... i'm a bad friend...
we also went grocery shopping. brie cheese is way cheaper here than at home.
learning how to count in german. i've got up to 9 pretty good but 10 is hard to pronounce.
I'm worried that the dog here is going to die any second.
apparently austrian guys make horrible screeching rooster noises at girls when they drive past sometimes. this has only happened once so far but it was startling and therefore memorable.
long day tomorrow. time for bed.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
enshuldegung
today is my birthday. i wanted to write happy birthday in german as my title but the only german word i currently know is enshuldegung and i don't even know how to spell it. it means sorry. i'm not sure why whoever invented the german language insisted on making all the words so long. it makes them terribly difficult to remember them. i'm also not sure who invented the german keyboard and mixed up all the letters on me. not impressed.
in any case, i am in austria. so far i'm having a good time. not a whole lot to report yet as most of my time since leaving has been spent traveling and sleeping. the flight was long but safe and i think my no jet lag pills worked. i was rather tired but mostly due to the fact that i'd hardly slept in 30 hours. so after a good 13 hour night i felt pretty good today. pam and i have spent some time wandering the streets here and downtown graz is very beautiful and european looking but nothing is open on sundays so we havent been able to do any shopping or anything - but we've definately made plans to. there are lots of really cute stores and an h&m on every other corner. The house we're staying in is just outside of the city in a beautiful little area. It's not very european looking but the house is huge (it has an elevator in it) and it has a big natural pond with lilly pads that the house goes out over and it has a glass floor in a place so you can look in the pond - apparently you can even swim in it in summer. The couple who owns it is very sweet. They found out it was my birthday today and they sent pam down with a little almond loaf with a candle in it and a gift - a dvd of an austrian ballet. so that was really sweet, especially since nothing is open on sundays so it wouldn't have been easy to find things.
In any case, I should go to bed. Tomorrow's the first day of rehearsals so I need to be fresh as a daisy. Auf Wiedersehen!
in any case, i am in austria. so far i'm having a good time. not a whole lot to report yet as most of my time since leaving has been spent traveling and sleeping. the flight was long but safe and i think my no jet lag pills worked. i was rather tired but mostly due to the fact that i'd hardly slept in 30 hours. so after a good 13 hour night i felt pretty good today. pam and i have spent some time wandering the streets here and downtown graz is very beautiful and european looking but nothing is open on sundays so we havent been able to do any shopping or anything - but we've definately made plans to. there are lots of really cute stores and an h&m on every other corner. The house we're staying in is just outside of the city in a beautiful little area. It's not very european looking but the house is huge (it has an elevator in it) and it has a big natural pond with lilly pads that the house goes out over and it has a glass floor in a place so you can look in the pond - apparently you can even swim in it in summer. The couple who owns it is very sweet. They found out it was my birthday today and they sent pam down with a little almond loaf with a candle in it and a gift - a dvd of an austrian ballet. so that was really sweet, especially since nothing is open on sundays so it wouldn't have been easy to find things.
In any case, I should go to bed. Tomorrow's the first day of rehearsals so I need to be fresh as a daisy. Auf Wiedersehen!
Monday, October 1, 2007
wedding photos
I got an lovely little email from my christie friend the other day. it didn't say a whole lot but it included all of these funny little weddingy photos and i liked them.
i love this picture. i think she's so cute. i've been trying to find a little veil like this one everywhere. unfortunately the days of millinary art are over.
if i knew this girl, she could be my flower girl. i like her free spirited ways.
aaw. who doesn't love a couple on a tandem bike. kyle and i will have to recreate this picture one day. although i'm unwilling to put myself into those knee socks and ugly shoes and i'm pretty sure kyle's unable to grow a beard even remotely like this man's work of art.
we want to have an old type writer for our guestbook table. we'll have to find ramona a dress like this one.
and this last one is of my three bridesmaids. aren't they lovely? obviously the blonde one is lindsey. the one in the middle looks guilty of something... i think she's tami because the other one looks more like christie.
hopefully they'll look happier at my actual wedding...
i love this picture. i think she's so cute. i've been trying to find a little veil like this one everywhere. unfortunately the days of millinary art are over.
if i knew this girl, she could be my flower girl. i like her free spirited ways.
aaw. who doesn't love a couple on a tandem bike. kyle and i will have to recreate this picture one day. although i'm unwilling to put myself into those knee socks and ugly shoes and i'm pretty sure kyle's unable to grow a beard even remotely like this man's work of art.
we want to have an old type writer for our guestbook table. we'll have to find ramona a dress like this one.
and this last one is of my three bridesmaids. aren't they lovely? obviously the blonde one is lindsey. the one in the middle looks guilty of something... i think she's tami because the other one looks more like christie.
hopefully they'll look happier at my actual wedding...
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