grossie grosserson

So. Another slow day at works leads me to read my sister's blog which leads me to a gross story telling contest at www.adventuresinbabywearing.blogspot.com in which you can win a fancy little dustbuster. Now, I do not have kids and after reading the stories in the contest, I might never have kids. But it wasn't specified that the story had to involve children and so I thought I would include this nice little tale:

As many of you know, my boyfriend, Kyle, runs the youth program at a downtown church. We are usually there until fairly late on a Sunday night and on one particular winter evening, as the kids were leaving a homeless man, looking a little worse for wear, managed to slip through the open doors. How he managed to do this is beyond me as once he was in the building he was the most slow moving individual I have ever witnessed. Kyle was very friendly towards him and offered to call him a cab so Kyle and the homeless man walked to the back of the church to make phone calls. Meanwhile I was waiting in the entrance with CJ, another of the leaders. We were talking and the phone calling was taking some time and I was getting tired so I decided to sit on the chair by the door. So I sat. And I thought: man, that is a bad smell that that guy left behind. And I sat. And then I thought: do my pants feel wet? Slowly I put the pieces together...

What happened next was a flurry of motion and panicked dialogue between CJ and I - me yelling that I'd just sat in homeless man pee and him wondering why I had sat there when the man's pants had clearly been wet and me thinking this was not a helpful comment and then him remembering that he had a pair of extra pants in his car and him sprinting out the door to get them. All throughout this transaction I was standing in the oddest position ever as I tried to keep my thighs away from the back of my tight skinny-legged pants (very difficult and awkward). Maintaining this contorted stance I did a crazy looking run to the bathroom and whipped off my pants and tried to wash my bum in the church sink (also diffucult and awkward). CJ returned and threw his pants in through the door. After my horribly inelegant sponge bath I put on pants that were a number of sizes too big for me and returned to the lobby to wait for Kyle.

That's more or less where the dramatic part of my story ends.Kyle returned finally and ushered the man out the door and into a cab. We stood there for a moment before he noticed my pants.
Where did those pants come from?
CJ's car.
Why are you wearing them?
I sat in homeless man pee.
...oh...

After that we had to try and figure out what to do with the chair. We ended up making a big sign that said "this chair has been peed on, please dispose of it accordingly". My friend Luke's favourite part of the story was when, after we wrote the sign, I wandered towards the chair and the boys had to stop me from sitting down again. Clearly I have very poor judgement and memory when I'm tired and in shock...