reflections of a non-graduate

apparently my sister is no longer interested in my cupcakes.

i don't really have any fun pictures or stories or anything to post today but here's a more current look at my life.

It's show week. The couple of days before a show where it's close enough to feel the tension rising but not close enough to be excited. I was thinking as I was walking home from the theatre today that it's a bit of a funny time for me. This is my last show with the school. My last scheduled show in Winnipeg for that matter (we're performing in Ottawa in June). For all I know it could be my last show for a very long time. I have nothing concrete planned for next year and to be honest I find that really exciting. I'm looking forward to a new routine, starting things fresh and new. I feel antsy for change. I've been focusing on this desire to move on for a long time and it occurred to me today that I also need to make the most of this week and enjoy it. I don't want to push through and just have it over... even though that is kind of what I want to do. But I hope that this show will be memorable for me and remembered as a special one in my life.

I think it feels a little sad to me right now because last year was my graduating year but i didn't move on to anything new so it didn't feel very special. I went to the grad dinner and the grad tea party and I got to bow with the graduates and receive my certificate and my flowers but I knew all along that I'd be right there again next year. It was exciting to see my fellow graduates move on to new things but I felt like I wasn't a part of the excitement or the emotions. I felt like I was a fake grad or like they were just including me to make me feel better.

And now this show is my last show and feels like the end for real this time but I don't get to be a part of any of the graduation festivities because I'm already a graduate.

So all in all it just feels a little anticlimactic. And like I've never really belonged in either of my graduating classes and never had a graduation that felt like my own. I don't mean to complain that I've been left out of things or anything like that. Its more just in my own processing. I guess I just want to make sure that I give this time in my life the significance it deserves. I've put a lot of myself into this program and I want to approach this show like it's a big one in my life. And remember that it is really important to me even though it's not the one with the flowers and certificates. It is the closing of a chapter in my life and I don't want to forget to acknowledge that.

I feel sad right now and I can't quite figure out what I'm sad about. I guess this whole year with dance has been a bit of a struggle for me. This whole year of 'post-graduate studies' has been emotionally challenging in a lot of ways and I kind of just want it to be over. But I think I owe it to myself to celebrate this and to acknowledge this as an accomplishment and to be proud of myself.